A couple nights ago, I was thinking, I just want to go and get this trip over with as fast as I can!. And that thought surprised me. A lot. This trip, which is more apparent to me than anybody else, is one of the biggest milestones (if that is even the proper term) I will have accomplished in my life! Yet, this reaction made me wonder, what am I really feeling here? Nervousness? Obviously. But what made me want to "get this trip over with"? I think the big obstacle that currently stands in my way, is fear. Simply fear. Well, not simply. Some of these fears I have come to recognize even as I am writing this. Maybe, I am scared that I will not treat my family the same when I come back to the States, for what I will have experienced will have changed me greatly.

But I think, in fact, I know that what I fear most, is not knowing what I am going to experience, what I'm going to feel. Only stepping off that plane will then I know.

I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what the reason was.

As I was reading one of my books for my study tonight, I came across a sentence that really spoke to me. "Who is more vulnerable to the fear of future loss than an adoptee who has already experienced an unfathomable loss?" I thought about this briefly and tried to think about where this question applied to me. Speaking in terms of an adoptee --  not a teenager fighting to bring out the more independent side of himself. And after thinking about this a little more directly, I came to realize that this question is going to be a process to grasp. But I also realized that one of the things I fear most, and to be honest, have been thinking about a lot lately is losing my close loved ones, such as my parents and my sister. Funny, as I type this I realize more and more things. The loss of my parents or my sister would arise the same helplessness I have felt in this empty hole in my heart as far as I can remember...resulting from the loss of my birth mother.

So in the close picture of things, it is apparent that as I further this thought and my studies, things seem to be connected by a weak chain link slowly being welded back together by exploration. 

Last Thursday I received some disappointing and incredibly frustrating news. I found out that one of my travel companions, the one who I've grown up with my whole life and who is from the same orphanage as me, will not be joining me on my journey back to our home country. It saddens me that we will not get to experience India together. But it is on an understandable factor also. I realize it's a lot of work for her, me....anyone, to take a trip back to someplace that you are just simply not ready to comprehend.

I know in different emotional places, I am ready (and excited) to go on this trip, and also a little bit...not. I certainly hope I will be at least more ready when the departure date arrives. In all, I know it will be a great trip no matter who I'm going with! 

Reflection on my Studies this November:

This was such a fun and productive (and emotional) month! I got a lot done and learned so much about myself as a learner and adoptee for that matter. I can't wait to go back to school and tell everybody my experience! But there's so much more to learn, and I can't wait to further share my journey with you all! Thanks for following my blog everybody!

My parents have always said since I was little, "We're so thankful your birth mother gave you up so we could have you." Well thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving, I realize that it may be a hard, traumatic loss but that it is a blessing that I got the best family I could've ever hoped for. Thanks to everybody who have made my life so rich and wonderful. Have a happy Thanksgiving!

One of the books I am currently reading as part of my studies is called Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. This book is read from the point of view of many different adoptees, usually adults and what they wished or had wanted their parents to know about varying kinds of things. This book ranges from all sorts of things, such as "Just Because I Don't Talk About My Birth Family Doesn't Mean I Don't Think About Them." and "I Want You To Take Initiative in Opening Conversations About My Birth Family." and another one that I look forward to reading later on is "Birthdays May Be Difficult for Me."

This book is very interesting, and I am enjoying reading it very much. I have already gotten so much out of this book and I am learning a great deal about myself as an adoptee. Some of the stuff I have encountered has sparked a lot of questions and emotions arising around the subject of my adoption.
I can't wait to learn more!

You may be wondering, why I chose to take this trip and why now? I guess you could just say it was a calling. It just finally seemed to be the right time to go home and experience where I came from.

This month of November the seniors in my high school were given this month off to study and prepare for our expeditions. While studying I have come across some shocking and unexpected feelings. Some of which has come from the books I have been reading, specifically sections on loss. Also some tears have been shed just from watching movies that were filmed and based in India itself, in terms of the overwhelming environment that I will have to face when I arrive. Things such as, the very busy streets and the noise. Some of these emotions may only get stronger as the trip nears, but I believe that what gets stronger in this sense can only further prepare me for the journey...

So, just some background information for those of you who don't know or are not aware of what is going on regarding this blog. At my high school, the Rocky Mountain School of Expeditionary Learning, each high schooler is given the opportunity to study whatever they want for an extended amount of time off. Yes, I mean whatever, given that it's school appropriate. So each student then goes off and learns to their heart's desire on the subject that they've always wanted to study. We then go through a lot of preparation in getting ready to go off and learn, such as drafted proposals stating what you want to do, and things of that nature. We also are required to present what we have learned on our time away from the classroom at what we at RMSEL like to call a showcase night where we present certain aspects of the experience that we've had doing whatever. One of the things that each student is asked to prepare by his or her teacher is a final product that you are assessed on for a "grade".

So, long story short. I have decided that I am going to make a journey back home to India in March of 2013 before I graduate. I am studying certain aspects on adoption and will hopefully be working in an orphanage in India, to incorporate the experience of what I may have experienced before I came to the USA. And it most definitely will be a pilgrimage! I will be going with my father, and a close family friend of mine, Anna who is actually from the same orphanage as me, and her father and hopefully her younger sister too.

"We will both need to bring 5,000 boxes of Kleenex!" said Anna in a talk about the upcoming trip.
I think she's right.   

A week ago, after a long 17 years, I had experienced the loss and abandonment of my birth mother. It was as unexpected as it ever could have been. I cried and cried for days, wondering why she would do such a horrible thing. Leave me. As I prepare for my journey back home, I can't help but wonder will we ever find each other? Will we just so happen to run into each other on the streets of Calcutta, as where my life began? Well, I know that this is just plain too unrealistic. But I can dream. So many thoughts coming in during the emotional, yet eye-opening process of preparing for an unfathomable journey...