India, India
the whole day through (the whole day through)
Just an old sweet song
Keeps India on my mind (India on my mind)

Obviously you can tell from what I've just said that India has really been on my mind lately.
I just came to a realization this evening while resting on the couch about one aspect of the trip that I enjoyed more than most parts, and that was my personal experience with the orphanage I visited and stayed in.

I may have said this in some of my earlier posts on here, but I honestly didn't look and I can't really remember, but visiting that orphanage (and of course India itself) made me feel really at home.

Although the orphanage I visited was not the orphanage that I was born in and resided in for the first 8 months of my life, I felt like that that was where my journey began. Kind of like a mega flashback in a sense.

It provoked some feelings of excitement, and yes, of course, some feelings of sadness.
But it also provoked, unusually enough, some feelings of fear.
I was worried that I might end up back in India, back in an orphanage with no family.
I can remember thinking to myself "What if Dad leaves me here?" 

But of course, all was solidified when we boarded our plane back home.
Happy and relieved, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I would see my family again.  

Lately, I have started noticing the similarities in the mannerisms that my sister does and how closely they compare to my parents mannerisms. I started thinking while resting today, what it must feel like for my sister to have parents that are biological to her. But also, what it must feel like for me to not have parents that look like me, and that my mannerisms could unconsciously be reflecting my birthparents mannerisms.

That reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Lilo and Stitch:
"What must it be like to have nothing, not even memories to look back on in the middle of the night?"

This quote always gets me in a sad way, knowing that in some sense I don't have any memories of home (India) to look back on in the middle of the night. Just memories here in the States. And yes, of course they are mostly all good memories, but not the ones I sometimes wish I had.

I always thought also that in the very unlikely chance that I would find, meet, or come across my birthmother while on my journey through India a couple of months ago, we would rejoice in tears and exasperated happiness and just share memories ---- memories that I long for.

I kind of lost my main point somewhere along the way in here on this post, but what I really think I am trying to say, is that every adoptee is always fighting their own battle, and each one takes a toll on us differently at different times and at different places.

These paragraphs that I just wrote above are one of the many adoption self conflicts that I am battling currently, if you are an adoptee reading this, know that you are not alone. We fight this journey together and at times, yes, we are the "biological" family to each other that we never got the chance to really get to know.   

We remain strong, united as a force of family when there is no one else there for us.
We are adoptees.

Today, as my family and I were driving home from ice cream I heard a honk come from a car at a busy intersection. This automatically flashed my mind back to the streets of India, where there is honking everywhere. It is inescapable!

To me, it is a sound that brings me joy and a smile. It reminds me of home! When my Dad and I were there, it is the sound you would hear late at night as you were falling asleep, and it would be the sound you would hear when you awoke. I always thought of it as
"The India Reveille" -- but more pleasant.

I think it's funny that this moment in the day sparked a memory that would most likely have been forgotten by now. But apparently not! This is one of those comforting sounds I look forward to hearing again when I go back, don't ask me why, I just do!

Well I haven't even been back for a week yet, and I already I want to go back!
I miss it! I guess the more and more I think about I realize how much I enjoyed the trip, and that it was the trip of a lifetime. I would turn right around and go back in a heartbeat! It was wonderful,
life-changing experience in ways that I haven't figured out how to express yet. But I can tell you that one of the biggest things I got out of this journey was having a much bigger sense of pride in where I am from!

I started the trip out feeling very uncomfortable in my home city, Kolkata, but as the trip went on and the day arrived to leave Kolkata, I didn't want to leave. It really felt like home. Now as I'm back in the States I wonder now, after experiencing what I experienced, how much I consider America my home anymore. I would seriously consider living there, but then I hesitate and think, "Would I really leave all this behind?" 

It breaks my heart to feel like I want to leave everything that my parents gave me, but my heart is screaming "Take me home!" 

Sailing over a cloud of oceans,
I'm homeward bound.
But I know the journey is not over
no, not now.
I still have a long way to go
emotional boundaries to cross,
stories to tell.
Oh wow, oh hell!

I wrote this on one of my first flights home from Delhi to Kolkata.

I am home now, safe and sound (and still sick unfortunately)!
It has been an incredible journey, and like I said in my poem above --- it's still not over!

Saw the Taj Mahal in the early morning light this morning!
Beautiful!
It really makes a difference when you're looking at it with your own eyes and not just through a picture frame! Being there at first and getting the first glimpse of it as you walk into the garden makes you want to smack yourself in the face and ask yourself, "Am I really here right now? Or am I dreaming?" Seriously.

So I actually did get some really good pictures, and can't wait to share them with all of you when I get home!

Today and tonight are my last in India for a LONG time, I start my long journey home tomorrow!
I can't decide if I like it here or not, and whether it will be something that I will miss dearly, and whether I really am ready to go home...either way, I'm coming home!

Yesterday, while waiting in line to go see the Lotus Temple, Dad said totally out of the blue:
"We're not in Kansas anymore!"

No, we are most certainly not!